I'm just back from a rather interesting week at boarding school - and you'll note I didn't call it boring school - cos it wasn't - plus I wouldn't dare!

My horrible, mean, nasty guardian had volunteered me to assist Matron in some project of hers, so I was dropped off at the school on the Saturday afternoon. I soon found out the project was a school for even more badly behaved delinquents than go to Muir. I helped to take in some of the furniture for school, and was rather perturbed to discover this school had a gym horse, and it wasn't being used for PE.

I had great fun winding up the useless Latin master. For some reason, I seemed to spend most of his lesson standing in the corner with my hands on my head. Saturday night I was left at the school, while my guardian went off to a meal with the teachers at an Indian Restaurant. It was a birthday meal for Andy's guardian.

Sunday morning we were up early, for Matron's project. I had great fun dropping water from the top of the stairs onto the useless Latin teachers head. Later I had a lesson from Miss Snow, who caned me for no reason at all (I think I yawned in her class or something). Then we had a French lesson, which got boring, so when the teacher turned her back to write something on the blackboard, I took Boris out of my satchel, and made him clamber up the back of the girl in front of me in class. The stupid girl screamed loudly, and I was caught still holding Boris. The French teacher used all sorts of colourful language, which I must look up in the dictionary, before telling me to stand on my chair. She then slapped the back of my legs hard, while continuing to shriek at me, and calling me a 'orrible English brat.' Once school was dismissed, on Sunday evening, Miss Prim took some of us down to the pub, and even bought us beers to drink, leaving Matron and Miss Snow to cook the tea.

On Monday I helped get the school tidied up once the delinquent girls left, before accompanying Matron, and a couple of other pupils for a lunch at one of the pubs near the school. Unfortunately, the gym horse was left behind. Around 5pm the other pupils started to arrive, and at 7:30 we were called in one by one for a discussion with Miss Prim.

By this point, there were eight pupils - myself, Jane, Sarah Jane, Daniel, Julian, Andrew Robertson, Georgina, and an American girl, Evie. Another boy, Paul, arrived late Tuesday morning.

I handed over my guardian's letter, and cringed as it was read. My guardian said I was highly unlikely to make it to my 16th birthday if I kept irritating him. There were some other bad things in the letter too, but then Miss Prim informed me they paled into insignificance. She'd heard I'd been telling the other pupils that I was going to 'boring school' and that order was kept by 'defects.' Well, I couldn't deny it - I had, and rather more than a few times.

However, the Head Girl, who even Primmy described as "the perfect Head Girl - a snitch", had kept a record of the number of times, and had awarded me a demerit for each occasion. Miss Prim wouldn't tell me how many demerits I'd got, other than it was 'well into double figures' and that 'the standard punishment for demerits was clearly insufficient as a deterrent, so sterner measures were necessary.' Because I'd smirked at the mention of defects, she told me to bend over the horrid horse that had been left behind at the weekend, and gave me six strokes of the tawse, before informing me "you will report to me in your night clothes prior to going to bed each night, and we will deal with your demerits then, young man. Boring school indeed. Certain things will be BORING into your backside."

At dinner Miss Prim noticed that Evie didn't know how to use a knife and fork properly, and the American girl was told to sit next to Ma'am for the rest of term, so she could be supervised.

After dinner we were informed that this term we'd be taught by Matron and Miss Prim. Matron decided to teach us music, and we were issued with recorders. Miss Prim planned to teach the Civil War, and also lepidoptery, which is the study of butterflies. Because it was a summer school we were also going to have some school outings, and maybe cross country runs (although that threat was never carried out.)

All too soon it was time for bed. I went up to get changed. I wasn't sleeping in the dorm, having been exiled to the schoolroom again. I think it was because Miss Prim thought my tears and sobs would keep the other boys awake, but I didn't mind - I was able to avoid the loud snoring in the dorm. When I looked for my pyjamas I made a shocking discovery. My STUPID guardian had taken them away in his car after the weekend - so I had no suitable nightwear. Normally that wouldn't be a problem, but with the night time appointments, it was going to be discovered. I confessed to my problem, and Matron asked one of the girls to lend me a nightgown. It was a disgusting pink thing - and I was ordered to wear it - and not to even THINK about sneaking down to my guardian's car to retrieve my pyjamas.

After being told how 'cute' I looked by Miss Prim and Matron, I was ordered over Miss Prim's lap, and soundly spanked, before being told to get over the horse. Then a slipper, a tawse and a cane each connected with my increasingly sore bottom. I was told to stand, and informed that the first three demerits had now been dealt with. I asked how many more I had hanging over me, and all I got was a smile, and a comment "oh, I'll tell you in due course. You might want to think about how many you think you might have. Goodnight Jenkins."

I slept on my front that night, and I'd been assigned the first slot in the bathroom rota (6:45), so I had to get up early. Not that it really mattered - I woke up almost as soon as first light anyway. But I still used my mobile phone as an alarm clock.

Tuesday was a glorious hot day. After singing the school hymn fairly well, Sarah Jane got into trouble for a watch that went 'BLEEP.' Miss Prim recognised the watch as being identical to one she'd smashed to pieces with the school bell at a previous school. Sarah Jane claimed she'd been able to repair it, which got Miss Prim even more annoyed, and the watch was placed in the bin in the kitchen, where it was likely to be covered in gunge. (Later she admitted she’d bought five identical watches.) Sarah Jane was told that ‘under NO circumstances was she to attempt to retrieve the watch.

The history lessons were really interesting, and we also had our first recorder lesson. Most of us could only get horrid squeaks and screeches from our recorders, but Jane was really good, having played the recorder from an early age - and Sarah Jane also was able to produce something that sounded like a tune. So the two of them were told they were playing the school hymn at the following morning's assembly. At break, someone pulled the hairs on one of the boy's legs, causing him to squeal. I commented that was 'mean' just as Matron walked in. She asked "and what is mean Simon?" "I can't say matron." "Stand up then." She delivered a crisp slap to the back of each thigh. I HATE it when teachers do that.

After the morning lessons we were told to change into suitable clothing for a canoe trip. We were handed packed lunches, and then informed that 'any pupil falling in would be expelled, and any pupil who did anything at all to Miss Prim's boat would suffer a similar fate.' It's the first time I've been canoeing and not had a water fight. (It's amazing how wet you can make someone with a back paddle.)

The canoeing trip

As we got into the boats, the owner said 'you'll never make it to the green bridge.' Well, that sounded like a challenge to me. I ended up in a canoe with Sarah Jane and Cook, and we set the pace. There was one part of the river where we seemed to paddle really hard, and hardly moved forward at all, and there was also a scare when we came rather too close to two swans guarding some cygnets. I was at the front of the boat, and the swans started hissing at me - but thankfully we managed to navigate the boat into a tree, and got away from the swans. And our boat was the first to make it to the bridge. Daniel was in big trouble with Matron, for 'rocking the boat’ that she was in and was put on defaulters.

I came back to school sneezing, as something had triggered my hay fever On the way back to school, Miss Prim spotted some birch trees, and broke off some branches, which she then handed to me and told to carry back to the school. I did wonder why she made a point of asking ME to carry them.

On Tuesday night we had a lot of prep. Miss Prim left us lots of writing to do, and an art project (making butterflies out of spongy material, and then decorating them) while Matron set us some music to learn on the recorder. Matron was left in charge of defaulters, while Miss Prim went off to some class at college. She also took Julian to the doctor with her. I was not on defaulters, but I was informed that Miss Prim would be back in time for 'our bedtime discussion.'

I gradually improved on the recorder, and by the end of the evening I could almost play the piece of music assigned. I also started to learn the school hymn, and Matron heard me practicing the first two lines. Wednesday was much the same. We had two history lessons, and a recorder lesson. In music I was told I'd be playing the school hymn the next morning, because I'd been heard practicing. We went on another school outing, to a ruined castle, which was fascinating. The castle had a horrid, cold, wet, smelly dungeon, and there were comments that some pupils should be left there. Worse, the dungeon had a big puddle of water at the foot of the stairs leading to it, and GUESS who trod in it?

When we returned to the school, Jane managed to convince Miss Prim to let us play boules on the lawn for an hour or so.

But then, we had a test on what we'd learnt. I didn't do very well (5/10), but better than the entire front row of the class (2/10) - so they got an essay to write, while the rest of us went to practice on the recorder. It didn't sound QUITE so screechy tonight. We were then told to put the recorders away, and we watched a video of the civil war - which was so interesting half the class (including both the teachers) seemed to snore during it. It was like being back up in the dorm.

Wednesday night saw me getting another bedtime whacking. Miss Prim's hand was slightly better, but after a few spanks she told me to get up, and lay the other way across her knee. I think it might have hurt her more than me - but then I was put over the horse, and I got 36 whacks with the hairbrush, followed by the tawse, then the cane, and then the bombshell "I've just remembered Simon, you didn't get the customary six strokes of the cane for defaulters the past two nights. I tried to argue it wasn't defaulters. Eighteen strokes later I was bid 'goodnight.' I was also told 'we're not even halfway yet....'

I lay on my stomach, listening to the rain beating on the window, the soot traveling down the chimney, trying to ignore the aching sting in my bottom.

Overnight I seemed to forget how to play the school song. We weren't allowed to practice until Miss Prim had got up (on the grounds that waking Miss Prim up early is a very BAD idea indeed), which meant we only had about 15 minutes to practice before breakfast. I was really nervous when I stood up to play, accompanied by Paul, and Danny. But our attempt was deemed to be a valiant effort, so I got away with the mistakes and miming.

Sarah Jane managed to get into trouble for removing her watch from the bin. When she handed it back, it was smashed between two paving slabs, and Sarah Jane was put on defaulters. Julian was caught sneaking off for a cigarette, so he was also in trouble.

We had a similar day of lessons, and another school outing where we got to explore the town. While we were having our picnic, someone was driving a big tractor around cutting the grass, which didn't do my hay fever any good at all. We were told that there would be a recorder recital on the last day of term, and we each had to learn a different piece to play. Somehow, I got talked into playing Scarborough Fair. We were also told we'd have exams on Friday. As I got ready for bed, I switched on the mobile phone, which I was using for an alarm clock. As I did so, there was a beep, and a text message from the Head Girl was delivered. "Hello Simon. How is boring school?" Typical of the Head Girl to gloat. I did send a suitable retort back before I went to sleep, but not being able to get a signal, I couldn't send it until the next morning.

The now ritual bedtime whacking was a little different. I didn't get spanked at all, but instead went over the horse straight away, and whacked with a slipper, two different Lochgelly tawses, and then the cane. And for the extra six, Miss Prim 'accidentally' picked out the white dragon from the cane basket. Each stroke got a gasp from me. I was told that four demerits had been dealt with that evening. I did try to convince Miss Prim to deal with a few more, but she smiled, and said 'no, I think that you should contemplate what awaits you tomorrow, Simon. We'll clear the slate before the end of term with a salutary punishment.' Maybe my guardian was right - perhaps I wasn't going to live to see my sixteenth birthday.

The final day of term promised to be eventful. Paul was feeling sick, so he went home after breakfast. We didn't have an assembly, and the first lesson was the history exam. Before breakfast we'd all studied really hard and no-one was practicing on the recorder at all.

Although it seemed really hard, I did very well, and nearly got top marks, scoring 37.5. Someone else got 8/46 - and two others scored below 50%. All three of them got the usual punishment for last in the class. We then had about 10 minutes to practice for the recital, which was brought forward when Daniel's guardian arrived early to take him home. The recorder recital was mercifully short. At one point I made the mistake of telling Matron I was a senior, so I could wear long trousers. She said I couldn't 'because then I can't do this' as she slapped the back of both my legs hard, six times. She can be so MEAN at times.

We also had a music theory exam, and two extra lessons. Miss Prim made us pretend to be reporters during the civil war, and we each had to pretend to be a famous person, and then be interviewed, and interview one of the other pupils. We then had to write a newspaper article. Most of the articles suggested that the gutter press was alive and well in 1645. Matron taught us a bit about Morse Code, and we got to send coded messages back and forth (arranging a midnight feast) away from prying eyes. Unfortunately Matron was better at decoding Morse code than the recipients of the message.

At the end of lessons, Georgina and Julian's guardians arrived. So we were now down to five pupils.

Three of us lined up for the final defaulters - Andrew Robertson (for some bears that had appeared in the classroom), Sarah Jane (for a myriad of reasons, but not least a poem that she'd stuck on the wall by Miss Prim's desk) and me (so that the outstanding demerits could be dealt with.) Miss Prim had already stated that she'd prepared a birch from the branches I'd carried up to the school, so to say I was nervous, was an understatement. I was sweating (and it was cold) and at times I was trembling. My mouth had gone extremely dry.

Robertson went in first - and emerged some time later, being told to stand in the hallway with his bare bottom on display, and then it was my turn. I shuffled into the classroom, where I was informed that 'if only you behaved as well outside of school as you do at boarding school, then this wouldn't be necessary.'

It was then announced that I had 13 more demerits to be dealt with, and at the usual tariff of 6 strokes for each one, it was going to take some time. I protested it was my birthday, and I'd learnt my lesson. And then I was shown the birch. I was then given a number of choices, all of which sounded horrible.

Unable to decide between them, I mumbled "whatever you think I deserve?"

"Well Simon, rather than 78 strokes of the cane, I am going to offer you a reduction in sentence - however, you will be birched. You haven’t been birched before, have you?" I shook my head, and trembled. "You will get 39 strokes – first the tawse, then the cane, and then the birch. So that's thirteen strokes with each." "Isn't thirteen an unlucky number Ma'am?" "Well, yes it is. Particularly for you."

The punishment started with the heaviest Lochgelly, then six with the nasty Maori cane. The birch was then draped against my bottom, and it tickled slightly, before it was brought down hard six times. It didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. It was followed by another seven of the cane (which did hurt), and then seven more of the birch. I remembered the ritual at the end of the birching, and then just before I was dismissed, I was asked how many demerits I'd earned that day. I answered "one Ma'am... she gave me one for spilling tea earlier..." as I looked at Matron. There was a sigh, and much head shaking. "Who's she? The cat’s mother? So that's another demerit You did have two, so I think that now makes four. Over you go."

I got back over the horse. Matron picked up a cane, but she was feeling lenient, and only used a thin junior cane. I hardly felt it. I then returned to the common room, picked out the armchair with the most cushions, and sat rather gingerly.

Once defaulters was over, the birthday party started. It was Sarah Jane's birthday, and she put on her new party dress. Most of the other pupils stayed in uniform. Just before the party, I took my satchel upstairs. Matron found me, and said 'come with me Simon.' 'Yes Ma... matron.' There was a sigh. 'To the schoolroom. It's Matron, not Ma'am.'

I got back over the horse, and was tawsed on my already rather sore bottom. As I got up, I was handed a birthday card, and wished 'happy birthday.' Matron then said 'I don't know, I try to be nice, and you still get into trouble.' Miss Prim also gave me a present - a fountain pen - and told me I now had no excuse not to use one. I also got cards and presents from most of the other pupils.

At the birthday party we had lots of jelly, blancmange and ice cream, and there was plenty of wine to drink. We did play a game of pass the parcel - with typical forfeits in it. Miss Prim got one that said 'receive six strokes of the cane' which brought a smile to my face, until she then read 'unless you are a member of staff, in which case give the pupil on your right six strokes of the cane.' That just happened to be me. It was SO unfair.

A bit later I had to choose between six of the cane, or kissing every lady present. I did think about opting for the cane, until Matron got up to fetch a dragon. I also had another forfeit where I had a bare bottom spanking in front of everyone, and I also had to bend over for the tawse.

Sarah Jane's guardian arrived about 10pm., so just before she left, we both had to bend over for our birthday spankings. That meant we had one whack for every year of our age from everyone who had been at the school - and those not present had their whacks delivered by Miss Prim. It was only the leather paddle, but that still meant rather a lot of whacks.

The party ended shortly after Sarah Jane's departure. I was told to wait in the classroom, and eventually Matron appeared to give me my final bedtime whacking. She gave me a long spanking over her knee, and then I was back over the horse, while she used two different tawses (a thick looking one that didn't really hurt, and then a Lochgelly which definitely did hurt, followed by one of the dark dragon canes. I suppose I shouldn't have admitted I'd hardly felt the junior cane earlier.

Saturday morning I got up early. My guardian decided that I'd make myself useful, and help to load everything into the cars, including his own car. We then drove back to Miss Prim's helped her to unload everything, and then he drove me back home. And the meanie wouldn't let me sit on a pillow.

So, I learnt loads at school. I learnt how to get something a little like a tune out of the recorder. I learnt a lot about the Civil War. I learnt that demerits can get rather painful. I learnt that the Head Girl is a snitch. I learnt that prefects don't like being called defects. And I learnt not to call school boring.